* I played golf, I'm not good at golf, I never got good at it. I never got a hole in one, but I did hit a guy once. And that's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell "fore." But I was too busy mumbling, "There is no way that's gonna hit him." I hit a guy in one. What's par for hitting a guy? One. If you hit a guy in two, you are an asshole.
* This one time I was in a convenience store, and guy came up and asked me, "What's the score?" and I said, "What is the game? If it's a competition between me and you, and the object is to ask the other guy questions he doesn't give a shit about, then you are winning, one to nothing."
* You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish; they just want to make it late for something. "Why were you late?" "I got caught!" "Bullshit, lemme see the inside of your lip!"
* I get the Reese's candy bar. If you read that name "Reese's" that's an apostrophe S. Reese's apostrophe S at the end of that name. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar and a guy name Reese comes by and says, "Let me have that," you better hand it over. "I'm sorry, Reese. I didn't think I'd ever run into you. You're a fucking bully, man. Let me at least have a piece."
* I like a Jack & Coke. One time, I saw a Jack & Coke and it had a lime floating in it, and I thought, "That's good to know." Next time I'm on a boat and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. I'll be water skiing without a life jacket and people will be like "What the fuck?" and I'll pull out a lime. I'll pull out a lemon too, saved by the buoyancy of citrus!
* I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
* This sign says "IMPROV". I had a bad set on Friday night so yesterday they put an "E" on the end of it
* At some comedy clubs they pass out comment cards. You fill it out with your name and address, and there's a line for comments for people to put what they think. Sometimes people write negative things, and that's not necessary. I've read some that say "Mitch sucks" but I look up above and it has their name and address. That's right I do suck, but I've got alot of free time.
* I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
* I've got a do not disturb sign on my hotel door, it says 'do not disturb.' It's time to go with Don't disturb, it's been 'do not' for too long. We need to embrace the contraction. Don't disturb, 'do not' psyches you out. 'Do', alright I get to disturb this guy, 'Not'... Shit!!... I need to read faster!" I like to wear a do not disturb sign on my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock knock jokes. Say "Hey how ya doin' Nephew?" "Knock Knock" "Read the sign punk!"
* I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.
* I was in a convenience store reading a magazine and the clerk came up to me and said "This is not a library". so I said, "All right, I will talk louder then!"
* My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which one's the real hero?
* I have a king sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one ever needed to sleep over, I guess he'd be comfortable. Oh, you're a king you say? Wait until you see what I have in store for you! It is to your exact specifications...I did not know you guys were all the same size. I think I can set your lady up too! When I was a kid, I used to lie awake in my twin-sized bed wonderin' where my brother was...
* You know when you go to a concert like punk-rock and the kids get on stage and they jump into the crowd? People think that's dangerous, but not me... because humans are made of 95% water, so the audience is 5% away from a pool.
* I wanted to get my teeth whitened, but I said fuck that, I'll get a tan instead.
* Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
* I would imagine that if you could understand morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy
* I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
* Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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